# Probably the best fish related joke ever



## Ian Holdich (2 Nov 2012)

I went driving with Dean Martin and got attacked by an eel. "What the hell was that" I screamed...he turned to me and said "that's a moray".


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## Nathaniel Whiteside (2 Nov 2012)




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## foxfish (2 Nov 2012)

Made me snigger


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## krazypara3165 (2 Nov 2012)

Two fish were in a tank, one asks "where did you learn to drive this thing?"

..... Ok, that was really bad wasnt it?


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## Ian Holdich (2 Nov 2012)

yes...lol


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## Tim Harrison (2 Nov 2012)

That's really poor chaps...so lets get it over and done with in one fell swoop...

Noah started building several arks for various parts of animal kingdom. One was a split level job for all the fish – a multi-storey carp ark
What do you call a fish with no eyes?…Fsh
How do fish go into business?…They start on a small scale
A fish swam into a wall and said, “Dam!”
Why are fish so smart?…They are always in schools
Which fish go to heaven when they die?…Angelfish
What bit of fish doesn’t make sense?,..the piece of cod that passeth all understanding
What kind of money do fishermen make?…Net profits
What do you get if you cross a salmon, a bird’s leg and a hand?…Birdsthigh fish fingers
Two parrots sitting on a perch…the first one says to the other “can you smell fish?”
What TV game show do fish like best?…Name that tuna
Where do fish wash?…In a river basin
What do you call a literary fish?…Salmon Rushdie
What part of a fish weighs the most?…It’s scales
What fish do road-menders use?…Pneumatic krill
What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?…A fish tank
Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea?…Jack the kipper
What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend?…’Your plaice or mine’
Where does seaweed look for a job?…In the ‘Kelp-wanted’ ads
Why is a fish easy to weigh?…Because it has its own scales
What’s the difference between a newspaper and a TV set?…You can’t wrap your fish and chips in a TV set
What do naked fish play with?…Bare-a-cudas
Why are fish cleverer than humans?…Ever seen a fish spend a fortune trying to hook a human?
What did the fish do when his piano sounded odd?…He called the piano tuna
Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear?…Because they have electric ‘eels
What day of the week do fish hate?…Frydays
What was the name of Tom Sawyer’s fish?…Huckleberry Fin
Why are gold fish orange?…The water makes them rusty
What will santa bring your fish this christmas?…A scale letrix
What was the Tsar of Russia’s favorite fish?…Tsardines
What did the sardine call the submarine?…A can of people
What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?…You can’t tuna fish
What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?…A beer-a-cuda
Why do penguins eat fish?…Because donuts get soggy before they can catch them.
Where do some of the parts for a fish come from?…Finland
Why did the dog jump into the sea?…He wanted to chase the catfish
Which fish dresses the best?…The Swordfish – It always looks sharp
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?…Monkfish
What kind of fish will help you hear better?…A herring aid
What do romantic fish sing to each other?…Salmon-chanted evening
What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can’t refuse?…The Codfather
Why is a swordfish’s nose 11 inches long?…If it were 12 inches long it would be a foot
Which fish can perform operations?…A Sturgeon
What’s a sea serpent’s favourite meal?…Fish and ships
Where do fish wash?…In a river basin
Why are fish so gullible?…They fall for things hook, line and sinker
Where do little fishes go every morning?…To plaice school
what sea creatures would you bet on in a fight?…Mussels, they always win!
What fish goes up the river at 100mph?…A motor pike
How do you communicate with a fish?…You drop it a line
1st kipper: ‘Smoking’s bad for you’…2nd kipper: ‘It’s OK, I’ve been cured’
What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather?…Skate
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?…Drop it a line
What puts white lines on the ocean?…Ocean liners
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?…A seahorse
Where are most fish found?…Between the head and the tail
What do fish sing to each other?…Salmon-chanted evening
What fish sounds like a telephone?…Herring, herring…herring, herring…
How do you tune a fish?…With its scales
What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?…A flat fish
What fish is the most valuable?…A goldfish.
What’s the best way to catch a fish?…Have someone throw it at you.
What sea animal can be adjusted to play music?…The tune-a fish
How did the fish’s tail get stuck in the anchor chain?…It was just a fluke
What is purple and lives in the sea and weighs 5000 pounds?…Moby Plum
Why are manatees so wrinkled?…Did you ever tried to iron one?
Why are fish no good at tennis?…They don’t like to get too close to the net
Why did the optician go ice fishing?…He had perfect ice sight
There was an awful fight at the seafood restaurant…Four fish got battered
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes?…A nervous wreck
What do you call a man with a large flatfish on his head?…Ray
What side of a fish has the most scales?…The outside
How do you post a fish?…You send it COD … or first bass mail
What do you use to cut the ocean?…A seasaw
Where do you go to meet the best fish?…It doesn’t matter – any old plaice will do
What kind of a fish does your Parrot sit on?…A Perch
Why should you use six hooks on your fishing line?…eFISHancy
What is a knight’s favourite fish?…A swordfish
What fish is best to have in a boat?…A Sailfish
How do you get around fast on the bottom of the sea?…Skates
How does a group of dolphin’s make a decision?…Flipper coin
Why did the dolphin feel crabby?…Because he ate too many crabs
Does a dolphin ever do something by accident?…No, they do everything on porpoise
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show?…Whale of fortune
How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?…He prawned everything
Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?…Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!
What did Cinderella Dolphin wear to the ball?…Glass flippers
What did the baby dolphin do when he didn’t get his way?…He whale-d
How do the fish get to school?…By octobus
Who held the baby octopus to ransom?…Squidnappers
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus ?…I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand
How does an octopus go to war?…Well-armed
Who robs banks and squirts ink?…Billy the Squid
What fish make the best sandwich?…A peanut butter and jellyfish
What happened to the cold jellyfish?…It set
How can you tell if two octuspus’ are lovers?…They walk arm in arm in arm in arm…
What do you call a neurotic octopus?…A crazy, mixed-up squid
How do you stop a fish from smelling?…Cut its nose off
What is the fastest fish in the sea?…Go-carp
What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool?…Show me your mussels
How do you kiss a pike?…Very carefully
What has big sharp teeth, a tail, scales, and a trunk?…A pike going on holiday
Why did the salmon cross the road?…Because it was tied to the chicken
Man: Can I have a fly rod and reel for my son?…Fishing Shop Owner: Sorry sir we don’t do trades
How do I avoid infection from biting insects?…That’s easy – don’t bite them
Where do you find a crab with no legs?…Exactly where you left it
What do you get if you cross a whale with a computer?…A four ton know it all
Why did the fish blush?…Because it saw the sea weed
What should you do if you find a shark in your bed?…Sleep somewhere else
What do you call a Shark with a rocket launcher?…Anything he tells you to
What do you call a deaf pike…Anything you like, he cannot hear you
How do you stick down an envelope under the water?…With a seal
What can fly under the water?…A bluebottle in a submarine
What do you give a seasick whale?…Lots of room
Mother: Have you given the fish fresh water today?…Son: No, they haven’t drank yesterdays
What whizzes along a riverbed on three wheels?…A motor-Pike and a side-Carp
Where do fish keep their money?…In the river bank
how many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?…Fish
Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says “You drive, I’ll man the guns!”
What is the fastest fish in the sea?…The one that got away
Why did the plaice go to the doctor?…Because he was feeling a bit flat!
What do you call someone who is good at catching fish?…Annette
Why did the fish cross the road?…It was the chicken’s day off
What is an eel’s favorite dance?…The conger
Why couldn’t the clownfish afford a house?…Because he didn’t have anemone
Where do fish go to borrow money?…A loan shark
Where do fish put their rubbish?…In a Whaleie bin
Where do baby fish go every morning?…To plaiceschool
What does a fish wrap round its shoulders to keep warm?…A shoal
What happens to sleepy fish at the edge of a reef?…They drop off
Which sea creatures come calling at Christmas?…Coral singers
Which fish can perform operations?…A sturgeon
What games do fish like playing the most?…Bass the parcel, Name that tuna, and Tide and seek
Why do fish like arcade games?…Because they are finball wizards
What do you call a fish with two eyes?…FIISH
Why is a fishmonger never generous?…Because his business makes him sell-fish
John asks the angler: Is this river any good for fish?…Angler: It must be. I cannot get any of them to leave it
What is a mermaid?…A deep-she fish
What do you get if you cross a whale with rotten fish?…Moby Sick
What does a diver get paid if he works extra hours?…Undertime
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?…To the prawn broker
How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?…He prawned everything
Why did the whale cross the road?…To get to the other tide
Who has eight guns and terrorises the ocean?…Billy the Squid
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?…A blue whale
Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?…On squid row
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?…Monkfish
Why are gold fish orange?…The water makes them rusty
What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend?…’Your plaice or mine’
Where do you weigh whales?…At a whale weigh station
What do you get is you cross a rose with a pike?…I don’t know but I wouldn’t put my nose too close to smell it
What has big sharp teeth, a tail, scales, and a trunk?…A pike going on holiday
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?…Because they dropped out of school
Oh cod, I can’t take any more of these fish puns, I’m outta this plaice!
Why are Sardines the stupidest fish ever?…They climb into tins – Close the Lid – And then leave the Key on the OUTSIDE!
Where do fish stay on a campsite?…In tentacles
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other “Its a bit wet in here”, the other says, “Blimey, a talking fish!”
Why do fish like arcade games?…Because they are finball wizards
Which fish likes to see fast and cool cars?…The tunafish
Why was the bluefish blue?…Because the blowfish wouldn’t
Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?…On squid row
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?…Monkfish
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?…He got lockjaw
What happens when sharks take their clothes off?…They go sharkers
Why didn’t the lobster share his toys?…He was too shellfish
Two fish swimming down a river and one hits a cement block. He turns around and says “Oh..Damn!”
What happens when you throw a green rock into the Red Sea?…It gets wet
What happens when you throw a red rock into the Black Sea?…It sinks to the bottom
What happens when you cross a great white shark with a cow?…I don’t know but I wouldn’t want to milk it
What’s green and squishy and spends a lot of time underwater?…An avocado with an aqua lung
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean?…Nothing,it just waved
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?…A good start
What does stuck seaweed say?…”Kelp!, Kelp!”
What do fish use to make telephone calls?…a Shell phone
What do you find on a small beach?…Micro waves
Is it dangerous to swim on a full stomach?…Yes. It’s better to swim in water
What does a frog order at McDonalds?…Fries and a diet croak
How deep is a frog pond?… Kneedeep, kneedeep
Why are frogs so happy?…They eat whatever bugs them
What does a frog wear on St. Patrick’s day?…Nothing
What did the frog dress up for on Halloween?…A prince
How many frogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?…One frog and 37 light bulbs, slippery hands, ya know
Whats the preferred car of frogs?…The Beetle
What’s green and jumps?…A frog!! (groan!)
What’s green and red?…A very mad frog
What’s green with red spots?…A frog with the chicken pox
What’s green with bumps?…A frog with the measles
What’s black and white and green?…A frog sitting on a newspaper
What’s green and dangerous?…A frog with a hand-grenade
What’s white on the outside, and green on the inside?…A frog sandwich
What do you say to a hitch-hiking frog?…Hop in
What happens when two frogs collide?…They get tongue tied
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?…Open toad
What do frogs do with paper?…Rip-it
What is the first book a tadpole reads?…The Egg and I
How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?…Unhoppy
What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit?…A rubbit
Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes?…He liked a good croak and dagger
What happened to the frog’s car when his parking meter expired?…It got toad
What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, and crosses the road again?…A dirty double-crosser
What’s green green green green green?…a frog rolling down a hill
What is a frogs favorite time?…Leap Year
Why did the frog go to the mall?…Because he wanted to go hopping
Why did the frog walk across the road?…He didn’t… he jumped
Why did the frog cross the street?…because the chicken crossed the road
Why did the frog cross the road?…to see what the chicken was doing
Why did the frog cross the road?…Some mean little kid super-glued it to the chicken
Why did the frog stay in the middle of the road?…He ran after a fly and was hit by a car
Why did the frog cross the road?…If a chicken can do it so could he
How can you tell if a frog doesn’t have ears?…You yell “Free Flies” and he doesn’t come
How do you confuse a frog?…Put it in a round bowl and tell it to take a nap in the corner
How does a frog confuse you?…When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better
What did the frog say to the fly?…You are really starting to bug me
What does a frog say when it sees something great?…Toadly awesome
What did one frog say to another?…You’re such a WART
Why did the frog croak?…Because he ate a poisonous fly
What is a frog’s favorite game?…Croaket
What does a Romulan frog use for camoflage?…A croaking device
What happened to the cat and frog when they got run over?…The cat had nine lives, the frog just croaked
Why did the frog say meow?…He was learning a foreign language
Why did the frog go to the hospital?…He needed a “hopperation”
What is the thirstiest frog in the world?…The one who drinks Canada Dry
What’s red and green and goes 175 miles an hour?…A frog in a blender
What do you get if you add milk?…Frog nog
What happens if you drink frog nog?…You Croak
What do ya call a frog’s favorite soda?…Croaka-Cola!
Why did the motorcycle rider buy a pet frog?…To pick the flies out from between his teeth
“Waiter… Waiter… Do you have frog legs?”…- “No!… I always walk this way!”
How deep can a frog go?…Knee-deep Knee-deep
What do stylish frogs wear?…Jumpsuits
What does a bankrupt frog say?…”Baroke, baroke, baroke.”
What has more lives that a cat?…A frog that croaks every night
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?…He wanted to robbit
How can you tell a frog doesn’t have ears?…They don’t move when a car is coming toward them
What did the frog do after it heard a funny joke?…It started to croak up
Why did the gag-writer turn green?…because the gag-writer was sick of writing frog jokes
Why don’t fish make very good tennis balls?…They keep getting caught in the net


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## foxfish (2 Nov 2012)

Cor you have a great memory mate  :?


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## REDSTEVEO (2 Nov 2012)

Okay here goes.

How do you sell a fish to a person who is hard of hearing? Easy...

*DO YOU WANNA BUY A FISH!!!!  *


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## Tim Harrison (2 Nov 2012)

REDSTEVEO said:
			
		

> Okay here goes.
> 
> How do you sell a fish to a person who is hard of hearing? Easy...
> 
> *DO YOU WANNA BUY A FISH!!!!  *



OK...I give in


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## REDSTEVEO (2 Nov 2012)

Two men of the Catholic faith get shipwrecked on a desert Island. They wake up on the first morning surrounded by cannibals. Fortunately the two men were able to convert the cannibals into the catholic faith and were spared.

Now the cannibals only eat fishermen


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## Tim Harrison (2 Nov 2012)

The worlds shortest poem:

Ode to a goldfish...
...Oh wet pet!


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